Practically anything can be used as a weapon. A woman in Pittsburg found that out the hard way when she & her car were pelted with cans of SpaghettiOs before being attacked with a kitchen knife.

“The incident happened last month as the victim was waiting to meet with a man who was expected to provide money for their children. The victim said when she approached the Allegheny Union Plaza building, a woman approached her and began throwing cans of SpaghettiOs at her vehicle. As she tried to get out of her car, the suspect tried stabbing her with a kitchen knife, the victim said. The victim was cut in the finger but managed to get away, somehow taking her attacker’s purse with her.” (source)

First, if you’re an attacker, it’s probably not a smart idea to carry a purse that contains your I.D. Second, I’ll ask the obvious, why SpaghettiOs? I understand chucking full unopened cans could do some serious damage, but does the attacker work at the Campbell’s factory? Or, was the supermarket having a good sale? This seems premeditated, if you want to throw something, why not just get some rocks? Maybe she wasn’t looking to just pelt & stab this woman, but she was also trying to stain her clothes too! It’s a pelt, stab, & stain attempt gone wrong.

“Surveillance video appears to show several other people involved in the incident, including a man who was apparently also throwing cans of SpaghettiOs, police said.” Oh, shit! I think I cracked the case. I know who’s responsible for this! It’s that bastard Chef Boyardee trying to tarnish the Campbells name.

Furthermore, even the report itself sounds odd. “the victim was waiting to meet with a man who was expected to provide money for their children.” Just “a man.” What man? Are we talking Spiderman? Superman? Batman? I want to know more. Sadly, we have no motive yet.

Since this is all I have to go on, I’m drawing my own conclusion. Ok, the victim is an executive for Campbells. While on her way to meet Batman & collect hush money for the illegitimate child they had together, she was ambushed by Chef Boyardee & his minions. That’s what I’m going with.

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Categories: I can't believe its in the News!

Tags: Adam Mallett, Campbell's SpaghettiO's, Chef Boyardee, SpaghettiOs, SpaghettiOs assault, strange crime, tossing cans, whirlwindreports