50 Shades Of What The F*CK! Hilariously Bizarre Fetishes That I Will Never Understand.

We can all think of something that turns us on. Maybe its a way someone smiles at you or laughs. These fetishes on my list, just seem inconceivable for me to interpret as a turn on.

Climacophilia –  Aroused by falling down stairs.

staircase

M.C. Escher must be a god to these people

You’ve got to be kidding me. Maybe its the feeling of adrenaline you might get in that moment where you try to protect your neck from breaking? It sounds more suicidal to me. I wonder if climacophiliacs venture to some of the tallest buildings in the world for the sole purpose of reaching the top, admiring the view, then hurling themselves back down via staircase. No elevator for them! I have no idea how flinging yourself down a flight of stairs could be considered arousing. Please fill me in if you do.

Dendrophilia  – Sexual attraction to trees.

lump on tree

Check out the buns on that tree!

Some people reallllly love trees. I’m not talking about earthy / granola/ hippy types. Dendrophiliacs won’t necessarily have sex with a tree, but they enjoy feeling up the bumps and bark like they just took a hit of ecstasy. If a dendrophiliac does manage to have sex with a tree though, shouldn’t  it be considered rape or the equivalent to bestiality? After all, a tree is alive. It also can’t give consent or defend itself! If you have always felt a sexual tingling sensation at the thought of getting ingested by the sarlacc in Return of the Jedi, or eaten by Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors, you might be a Vorarephiliac. If you were to fulfill these desires, it certainly seems like it would be a one time deal considering you would be dead! Life isn’t like the film Sharknado. If something is sucking you down, you don’t come out the other end alive.

Oculolinctus – Aroused by licking a person’s eyeballs.

This is nasty. I’m not even adding a photo for this. Your mouth is a cesspool of germs! Licking an eyeball just seems like a great way to give someone conjunctivitis. It must happen. If this becomes mainstream, get ready for the headline, “Oculolinctus cause pinkeye epidemic.” A quick search on this has pointed out that this is more common in Japan. What a shock!

Mechanophilia     – Sexual attraction to machines.

gas

You’re gonna stick what in what?

When machines completely take over, these people will be celebrating in the streets (before getting killed) Most commonly, they are attracted to cars. If that’s the case, Fast & Furious films must seem like hardcore porn. While its not like this fetish is hurting anyone, you could certainly end-up hurting yourself by sticking a part of your body where it doesn’t belong. Sure cars have holes and crevasses, but I don’t understand how anyone can be turned on by a hunk of metal and fiber glass.

Homeovestism – Arousal in response to wearing clothing that is typical for one’s sex.

fitting room1

Everything alright hun? You’ve been trying on the same pair of pants for 45 minutes.

Next time you go into a fitting room, you might want to think twice about what someone might have done with that article of clothing before you. These people are simply attracted to clothes specific to their gender. If you happen to spot a person talking naughty to a pair of pants before a purchase, maybe you found one.  I actually find that thought hilarious. I pray for the day I see someone in an Old Navy whispering sweet nothings at a shirt and rubbing the sleeves all over their face. “You ready to come home with me”? What’s that you say? You’re on sale for $9.99? Maybe we should take your friend home too!”

Personally, I don’t care what people do to get their rocks off, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. That doesn’t mean I don’t find some of this strange and beyond comprehension though. This is really just the tip of the iceberg. I know I could find many more that would probably give you night terrors. Maybe someday I will dig a bit deeper.

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-Adam Mallett

 

 

 

 

 

 

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