Drunk Movie Review / Synopsis: Fast 7

I knew I would eventually get to this movie. I have always enjoyed the Fast & Furious films. Don’t get me wrong, they all have serious flaws, (defying logic & physics, plot holes, cheesy dialogue) but they are fun mindless action movies that everyone can enjoy. That being said, lets pick this movie apart. I’m drinking whisky tonight! Enjoy my minimal editing and limited punctuation. MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD…Obviously!

Jason Statham plays Deckard Shaw the brother of the bad guy from the previous film. Statham is visiting his comatose brother a London hospital. I think for the rest of this review/ synopsis I am going to refer to “Deckard” by the actor actually playing him. It’s just easier and better to say “Statham”. Plus, the name “Deckard” sounds like a prep school deuce bag to me. Statham deserves a better name than that. Anyway, I guess his brother didn’t die in  Fast 6 and Statham felt the need to make a grand entrance into the hospital because the hospital is completely shot to shit. I have no idea why. He seems like a slick bad guy. Even if Statham is a terrorist / wanted man, I’m sure he is capable of sneaking into the hospital to say hello. Why risk fucking up the equipment that needs to keep your brother on life support even if you are pissed off about your brothers status? Statham leaves the hospital. I guess nobody called for backup or firetrucks cause he walks out with no resistance as plums of smoke rise from the hospital.

We are now at race wars in the desert. Remember racewars for the first film? Well, Dom (Vin Diesel)  and Letty  (Michelle Rodriguez) arrive on the scene. I think this scene is trying to break some records for how many close up booty shots you can have within the first five minutes of a film. Dom explains how they invented race wars together. Letty still can’t remember anything due to her amnesia that was explained in the previous film. I wonder if Dom is full of shit. Since Letty can’t remember anything, He could be lying his ass off about anything and everything. After winning a race, Letty freaks out and drives off. Dom later tracks her down at the cemetery by her grave. Dom just happened to bring a sledgehammer to knock it down. We then get a sad speech about how she needs to find herself. She says goodbye to Dom. Oh so sad.

Brian (Paul Walker)  is trying to adjust to his new lifestyle. Ouch, a minivan!? Really? That sucks. I mean they only have one kid. Is that necessary? Looks like he and Mia have a hot nanny though.

Meanwhile, back at D.S.S….not sure what it stands for. I always thought it stood for Department of Social Services. I guess it stands for something else that I can’t remember. Lets just call this “The Rock’s cool tactical operations headquarters” So Hobbs (Dwayne “the rock” Johnson) is working late and stamping paperwork. This movie is already asking me to suspend my disbelief. “The Rock” can find paper with a stamp? Elena is leaving for the night and Hobbs follows her out to the parking lot to hand her a letter of recommendation. I guess she is moving on? I don’t know nor care. Hobbs walks back into the building to find Statham searching through his computer. Hobbs makes a stupid comment about him hacking into the wrong computer. Hacking? Really? Don’t you mean more like “you walked away for a second and he just sat down and started looking shit up?” Statham seems unfazed by Hobbs attempt to intimidate him. A typical fist fight / gun fight breaks out where a lot of glass is broken. Elena barges into the office to help Hobbs. Statham throws an explosive that looks like a mini vacuum cleaner roomba. It blasts Hobbs and Elena several stories out of the now blown up “cool tactical operations headquarters”  building and onto the hood of a car. Elena uses Hobbs body to break her fall. Is Hobbs dead? God I hope so!

Dom visits sister Mia and Brian at the Fast & Furious home that we all know and love. Brian is getting his kid ready for school & loading everything into the minivan. On the porch is a large package from Han in Tokyo. Mia tells Dom that Brian is having a hard time adjusting. Also, guess what? She is pregnant again! Common people. Use some protection. She hasn’t told Brian yet though. I’m sure that’s a smart idea. By the way, how are they making a living to support a child? Is it all just wishes and pixie dust? Statham calls Dom right after killing Han. This is where Fast 6 ended. Wait, something doesn’t make sense. Lets think about this for a minute. Statham traveled to LA and got the location of Han in Tokyo. He flies to Tokyo to kill Han only to fly back to LA to go after Dom and his people? That’s stupid planning. You were already in LA! Why not just go after Dom and his “family” one by one while your already in LA and go after Han in Tokyo later? It’s not like it’s difficult to track Dom & Brain down. Statham sent a damn package to the front door of there house so he knows where they live for christs sake. The package on the porch explodes. Aww! Statham blew up Fast & Furious HQ. Well shit Dom! Now what?

Elena brings Dom to Hobbs in the hospital. Wait, what? Hobbs is alive? He sustained a broken collarbone and fractured his leg in two places? That’s it!? From a fall like that? Even if by some act of god this man survived a fall like that, he would be in a full body cast. Also, he would probably never be walking again from the force of leading with his back onto the hood of a car, after being launched from the height of several stories! Not to mention he had the force of Elena’s weight on his chest, since she used him like a surf board to break her fall. Wait no no no. Fuck that! He would no doubt be 100% dead! This is a Fast & the Furious movie though so different laws of gravity apply. Hobbs tells Dom about how Statham is a special forces trained killing machine who went rogue. Hobbs gives Dom his blessing to go kick his ass. Ya ok. Street tuff Dominque Turreto vs a special forces trained killer. Sounds like an equal match up to me.

Dom visits Tokyo to bring Han’s body back. This scene serves no purpose other than to include the redneck from Fast & Furious Tokyo Drift. The redneck gives Dom a cross necklace and a photo of Giselle that Han had on him. I assume they did this scene to reintroduce him. I have a feeling he will be back for Fast 8.

At Hans funeral the group is gathered together. Dom sees a suspicious car. Of course its Statham. Dom follows the car out of the cemetery and eventually catches upto it. They play a dumbass game of chicken. Since both of them are such bad-asses neither of them stands down and they collide head on with each other. Both of them get out of there cars and ready for battle.

If only all of us could walk away from a head on collision like this without a scratch

If only all of us could walk away from a head on collision like this without a scratch

Dom starts to approach Statham’s car wreck with a hunk of metal to use as a weapon but Statham has a gun. Statham pretty much laughs and says “you thought this would be a street fight?” Dom looks like an idiot. No gun Dom really? Did you really think this was gonna be a “lets settle this like men” fight with no guns?  Of course not! It’s to early in the movie for that.

Right before Statham is about to shoot Dom in the face, “Mr Nobody” (Kurt Russell) crashes the party with a bunch of special forces people and scares Statham away. Dom acts like an asshole for a second but ends up going with “Mr Nobody” to his cool tactical air hanger base. “Mr Nobody” tries to play it all cool by offering Dom a beer. Wait, he has kegs of beer at the base? I mean that’s cool and all but if you have a base where you put together secret tactical operations and need to be on point all the time, do you really think its a good idea to have booze so easily available for everyone in kegs? “Mr Nobody” offeres Dom a Belgian Ale but Dom points out that he only drinks piss water Carona. Luckily, “Mr Nobody” was prepared and had a small bucket of Carona all ready for him. Great product placement!

“Mr Nobody” tells Dom that he needs his help. It turns out a hacker named Ramsey was captured by a terrorist who wants something that Ramey helped develop called “God’s Eye” which hacks surveillance feeds to find anyone in the world in a matter of minutes. If Dom helps “Mr Nobody” get the device he will let Dom use it to find Statham. Dom gives his “we do this my way” speech. “Mr Nobody” already thought of that and rounded up his team for him.

I guess this terrorist (I don’t know his real name and don’t really care about his character but he is the black guy from the film Amistad) is transporting the kidnapped hacker to some sort of black site in the Caucasus Mountains. Dom and team plan out how to crash the party. Roman (Tyrease) gives some stupid speech about wanting to be a leader. I get it. He is the clown in the group but I find him more annoying than anything. The team comes up with a stupid plan to parachute cars onto the twisting winding road & attack the convoy. I think almost all of these movies use the same stretch of winding road.

Umm yaaa NO!!

Umm yaaa NO!!

They airdrop, but Roman freaks out and almost doesn’t. They land on the road and speed towards the convoy. Gunfire erupts. The team manages to blow open the back of the giant van that has Ramsey. Brian jumps on board and gets Ramsey out. This is where we find out Ramsey is really a chick. Brian then tosses her on the hood of Doms car but just before he is about to jump off he gets into a fight with martial arts legend Tony Ja. Dom with Ramsey now in the passenger seat, has his own problems. Statham crashes the party with his own Mad Max vehicle. He and Dom engage in some speedy downhill offroad shenanigans. Just when things start to not look good, Roman saves the day by crashing into Statham.

Dom & Ramsey endup surrounded by cars and drive full speed off a cliff to escape them. They survive the tumble down the hill. They get out of the rolled over car with barely a scratch on them and no car explosion . Ramsey quickly trusts Dom and his crew. She tells them she gave gods eye to a friend in Abu Dhabi.

They arrive in Abu Dhabi. Ramsey asks a friend what he did with the Gods eye. He tells her that he sold it to a billionaire. Ramsey and the group are mad but god damn I would be so pissed off. What a dick! Why couldn’t Ramsey call him first rather than just show up? The Abu Dhabi friend gets the group into the party that the billionaire prince is throwing at his top floor penthouse suite in this huge skyscraper so they can steal back the gods eye. I’m a little shit faced right now but I think all of them are at the party. Really? That doesn’t look a little odd? I can understand a couple unknown guests but wouldn’t it immediately raise a red flag when its like “hey this is my 1..2..3..4..5 American guests”? Of course the gods eye is not hidden in a top secret safe. It’s hidden in a damn car that sits in another room in the penthouse. Yup, a car in a top floor penthouse suite.  Alarms endup going off. We find out Tej (Ludacris) has some fight skills. I don’t mind Tej, although I would like to know how he transformed from a street racer and mechanic in 2 Fast 2 Furious to the computer hacking expert of the group. Dom lifts the car (haha ya right!) so Brian can get under it. Letty takes out some body guards and fights Rhonda Rousey who only has a couple lines but needs acting lessons on how to deliver them. Dom and Brian can’t find the device so they decide to take the car and drive through a wall and into the living room party. Statham crashes the party and starts firing at the car. Dom decides to drive out the window and into the sky scraper next to it.

Just a simple leap frog building hop.

Just a simple leap frog building hop.

Dom  realizes the car has no breaks. What kind of person buys a car without breaks? Sounds like someone is living Fast & Furious! Brian locates the gods eye and rips it out of the center council. They bail out of the car after crashing into a third building. The car nose dives several stories out the other end of the third building and crashes below.

Dom and Brian plus “Mr Nobody” and his team track Statham to a warehouse. Ok, now I’m confused. Did I blackout for a second? How the hell did the others left behind at the party escape and avoid getting shot by Statham? They find Statham sitting down and acting calm. Ugh, this is obviously an ambush. The Amistad guy shows up with a team of guys. A gun battle erupts. “Mr Nobody” pulls down his sunglasses and starts shooting like he is in the Matrix. After taking out a couple guys, “Mr Nobody” gets shot. Brian, Dom & “Mr Nobody” escape the warehouse but Statham and the Amistad guy now have gods eye. Why the hell did they feel the need to actually bring it along!? Gods-eye tracked Statham to the warehouse! From that point why not just keep a satellite on it & have someone watch the feed to make sure nobody comes out? “Mr Nobody” is wounded but instructs Dom and Brain to leave him by the side of the road. His people arrive via helicopter to collect him.

The team goes back to LA knowing Statham will easily find them. Brian calls Mia to tell her he loves her. Mia finally tells Brian she is pregnant. Not only does she tell him she is pregnant but that they are having a girl! I would be like “what the hell Mia? How long have you been keeping this from me!? You even had a frigin ultrasound without me knowing!”

Knowing that Amistad dude and Statham are using gods-eye to find the team, Ludacris and Tyrese take Ramsey on a speedy ride around LA as they try to keep moving so she can hack gods eye. Ok, so this very sophisticated piece of equipment is going to be hacked from the backseat of a moving vehicle with a couple of laptops?

Dom lures Statham to the top of a parking garage. Now its time for that street fight!  So manly!

No action movie is complete without at least one slow motion fight camera trick.

No action movie is complete without at least one slow motion fight camera trick.

The Amistad guy is flying around in an armored black helicopter & tracking Ramsey. The helicopter launches an armored drone which takes out a communications tower. With a tower down, Ramsey is having complications hacking gods eye.

Hobbs sees the tower in flames from his hospital room.  He knows whats going down! Hobbs flexes off is arm cast. Yes, I said flexes off his arm cast. He takes some painkillers and hits the streets! Why the hell is he still staying at the hospital if he can move so freely. I thought he fractured his leg in two places also and speaking of the streets, where the hell are all the innocent bystanders on the roads? I don’t see a single person on a sidewalk running for cover or any of the horrible LA traffic that it’s known for. Not to mention, how the hell does a terrorist roam freely in his helicopter around LA and cause tons of destruction firing missiles and launching drones without any police or military interference!? I know he is in a cool slick black helicopter but that doesn’t make him invisible!  Anyway, the team pulls the old switchero under an overpass and transfer’s Ramsey to Letty’s car. Eventually the Amistad guy figures out what car she is in and has the drone lock onto and pursue the vehicle. The drone goes under an overpass. Oh no! Looks like Letty and Ramsey are about to die! Then, get this! Hobbs takes out the drone. He somehow / someway happens to drive an ambulance off the overpass and collide with the drone as it exits out the other end. Yup, I’m not kidding. I really don’t know what to say about that. It’s obviously ridiculous. Was Hobbs sitting with a note pad after he car jacked the ambulance from the hospital and thinking…”well if they were driving past that communications tower X minutes ago at a speed of 70-mph heading South I need to drive South-East at a speed of 75-mph for Y minutes to reach the over pass that they will drive under, which of course equals Z.  Then I’ll simply crash over the freeway ramp onto the road & make shit happen, totally genius!” Um, fuck no. Furthermore, whats up with this drone! I swear, by the time Hobbs took it down it grew bigger than the aircraft it launched from!

Ramsey completes the hack. Amistad guy is pissed. Dom and Statham continue to fight on the top of the parking garage. The Amistad guy decides to join in from above and fires a missle from his helicopter at Dom and Statham. The top of the parking garage structure starts to crumble. The ground shakes and Statham falls through. The Amistad guy continues to shoot at Dom from the chopper. No idea how this guy manages to not hit Dom from an attack helicopter. On the ground, Hobbs now has a mini-gun that he got off the drone he took down and fires up at the chopper.

Ya who hasn't taken a walk around downtown LA with a minigun that you just lifted from a drone and fired at an attack helicopter with it.

Ya who hasn’t taken a walk around downtown LA with a minigun that you just lifted from a drone and fired at an attack helicopter with it.

At this moment Dom grabs a back pack full of grenades and drives his car off a very conveniently placed ramp formed by rubble that just happens to be lined up with the chopper. He speeds up the ramp and just cuts under it in mid air, but oh wait! When he cut under it, he attached the bag of grenades onto the chopper. Hobbs just happens to know exactly where to shoot and hits the bag causing the plane to explode. Dom lays in his crashed car unconscious. Wait, your kidding right!? So throughout the course of this film Dom managed to collide head on in a game of chicken with Statham, drive off a ledge and tumble down a hill in a vehicle & also be totally unfazed after getting hit with a wrench across the face by Statham during the parking garage fight. After all that, your telling me this is what might kill him?  He is pulled from the car as his crew huddle around him. Brian tries to give Dom CPR but Letty pushes him aside. All the sudden Letty picks the most convenient time to reveal she remembers everything and gives a heart warming speech that brings Dom back to life. If I am ever in an emergency situation, I’ll try to remember that bringing up good past memories is more effective than CPR.  She also remembers that she and Dom got married in the Dominican Republic. She asks Dom why he didn’t tell her. Why would he F*@K^NG do that?! If I remember correctly they were on the beach in the Dominican Republic at the beginning of Fast & Furious.(the 4th movie) He woke up and she was gone. She left him without an explanation! What a bitch. Dom comes up with a slick answer about how you can’t tell someone you love them. I would have said “I was hoping you would never remember that cause you left me!”

Hobbs locks Statham away in a ultra maximum security prison. Statham teases that this prison won’t hold him.

The movie closes with a field good heart warming beach scene. Dom decides to go for a drive. CGI Paul Walker catches up to him and pulls along side him. They race for a brief moment

Score 7.5 / 10

Pros

+ Fun ridiculous action

+ Kurt Russell was great as Mr Nobody. I hope we haven’t seen the last of him.

Cons

– Fight scenes with Rhonda Rousey and Tony Ja could have been better.

– Even for a Fast & Furious movie some of the logic is ridiculous. I almost forgot that the first movie was somewhat plausible.

 

 

For more fun Shenanigans, rants and reviews check out http://www.whirlwindreports.com

 

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