Do you find movie reviews boring? I know I do. When it comes to reading a movie review or synopsis, I hate when writers use big words or try to sound cool by talking about things like the cinematography. Nobody is going to spend $12 just to see some camera angles. You just want to know what the hell is going on and if its worth seeing. That being said, this week I have simplified the film ‘Gravity’
Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are working on a satellite in space. Clooney is basically just flying in circles around Bullock in a jet pack listening to music. They start making small talk about a bunch of crap that doesn’t matter. Some no name actor is also out there clowning around. Mission control on Earth tells them a Russian satellite has been blown to hell creating a shit ton of space debris that is now orbiting Earth. (damn commie bastards)The debris starts heading in there direction. Once it reaches them, Cloon-tang and Bullock get knocked all over the place. Bullock starts twirling through space. Cloon-tang saves her with his jet pack and tethers her to him. As he starts gliding with Bullock back to the shuttle, they grab the no name actor, but he is obviously dead. The giant hole through his face is a good indication. They then make there way back to the shuttle to discover it has been ripped to shreds and everyone in it is dead.
Don’t worry, I’m sure he’s fi…. Ok, maybe not!
Cloon-tang with Bullock in toe decide there only shot is to make there way across a portion of space to the nearest station. Bullocks Oxygen is running low and Cloon-tang doesn’t seem the slightest bit worried and his jet pack doesn’t have many thrusts left. The inside of my space suit would be smelling like shit at this point. I bet he wishes he didn’t waist a lot of his jet pack joy riding in circles like an idiot. They run out of thrust and are unable to slow themselves down. They slam into the space station and start getting knocked all over the place trying to grab anything to prevent them from drifting away into space. Bullock gets her foot tangled around a cord from a parachute right before she is about to drift out. She grabs Clooney by the arm as he is about to float past her. However, his weight and momentum is starting to pull them both, so Clooney gives a small stupid speech about how its ok and she needs to let go or they will both die. Bullock refuses at first, but then probably realized how annoying he is and released his hand. Clooney gives his classic eyes up and smirk to the right look as he accepts his fate. That’s it for Clooney! Yup, spoiler alert! Clooney dies 30 minutes into the movie. I know right. What a freakin tragedy. Middle aged women all over the world can protest about how they were tricked into watching this and thinking it was a George Clooney flick.
So it’s up to Bullock to get her ass back to Earth. After dodging another pass of the Commie space debris. (It comes around every 90 minutes) She climbs into the space station and fiddles with some buttons. I guess this station doesn’t have a return capsule back to earth. A fire breaks out. She plans to use some type of mini craft to fly over to an old Chinese space station that still has a pod that could send her to earth. With her new little shuttle. She tries to fly it over but since women are horrible drivers, she get’s it caught in a parachute cord, and goes no where. Bullock sits in her capsule feeling helpless and decides to let her self die from CO2. She feels she has nothing to live for since nobody on earth really cares about her and she has a child that died several years ago. As she starts to fall asleep listening to a random transmission she is picking up from earth of what sounds like an old drunk hillbilly with a baby, her suicide is interrupted by…THE GHOST OF GEORGE CLOONEY! I don’t know if this is brought on by a dream or lack of oxygen to the brain from the CO2. Either way, he convinces her to continue on.
A now determined to live Bullock finds a way to get the mini craft working again for a bit. She suits up, After traveling in it for a little bit, she grabs a fire extinguisher and blasts herself out of the craft, hurling toward the station. She uses the fire extinguisher as a sort of jet back to control her direction. Yes, I know it’s stupid. She smacks into the station and is able to crawl in. The problem is, the station is slowly starting to enter Earths atmosphere and is starting to burn up. She hauls ass and even though she doesn’t understand Chinese, apparently space crafts are so easy to operate that a simple game of eenie meenie miney moe with the command buttons is enough to figure it all out. She blasts off descending to earth with debris from the station and lands in a lake of sort. After almost drowning, she swims up and onto land. We have no freakin clue where she is. It could be a Cannibal Island for all we know.
– The End –
I give it a 6.5/10
+ it’s more entertaining than I thought it would be for a film that has only one character for a majority of the movie
+ Explosions are always cool
– If your a space nerd and big on accuracy you will be pointing out several flaws.
– Definitely perfect for IMAX but for home entertainment ‘meh’
Categories: Anything involving Hollywood & TV
Whirlwind Reports 
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