My Xbox-One is mostly used for movie apps. I’m not much of a gamer anymore. As you grow up, life starts to fill you with more important responsibilities. One of the last video games I ever got into was a game called “Dark Souls” on the Xbox 360. It was a punishing and brutal game that often resulted in you dying over and over again. This game was no joke. One stupid mistake or wrong turn and you were dead. Out of frustration, I broke two controllers playing it & thought I would give myself a self induced stroke. It took months to beat that game. When I found out there was a Dark Souls II on the Xbox One, What did I do? I made the dumb-ass decision to return for more! This is my breakdown / play by play of my frustrations so far after only a couple hours.
I haven’t committed to a video game in years. This is going to be a pain in the ass. I love how the back of the box reads “Prepare to die again.” I guess I should interpret that as “Good luck asshole!” Ugh, what am I getting myself into? Even after I bought this game, it sat on my coffee table for a week still in its wrapping as I contemplated returning it because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go down this road again.
Immediately, I am thrown in the middle of a dark forest with no idea of who I am or what I am doing. I build my character. Oh! and don’t get this confused with that “World of Warcraft” garbage. It’s nothing like that. After naming my character ‘Assface’ & making him look like a gay version of The Joker. I start checking out the area and make my way through some caves.
I fight off a bunch of undead soldiers & collect there souls. Everything you kill gives you a certain number of souls. When you have collected enough, they can be used as currency for better weapons & armor or to level up your character. When you die though, you lose them all!
Moving along, I see this big fat grey creature just standing there like an idiot. He must be easy to kill right? I’m only 10 minutes into the game. Lets take him out. I swing once with my weapon. He punches me in the face. I die. Okay, back to the beginning. Oh cool. There are these little creatures in the grass. Lets kill them to start building up some souls. Nope, they kick my ass. I die. Alright, this jump looks promising. Maybe I can look for stuff over there? Nope, can’t make the jump. I die.
Get use to seeing this screen!
Finally I get out of this cave. I take a few twists and turns, pull a lever and end-up in a forest that has a beat up run down castle. I don’t know where the hell I’m going. This game doesn’t direct you. If you want a game that holds your hand, this isn’t it. It gives you a bunch of areas you can go. If one area seems a tad bit easier than another, it’s safe to say that’s the way you should go. Again, another way of saying “good luck asshole!” I’m able to kill some of these idiots with mild success. I must be going the right way. My weapon is getting damaged from using it so much. I need to get out of this place. There must be some type of city or town that exists that can fix my busted gear. I backtrack out of the area.
Finally, I make it to some type of village. In the village there is an empty water well. It looks like there are some good items at the bottom of it. Maybe I can find a better weapon. I jump down. Nope, my guy can’t handle the fall. I die. Nice tease design team! The people who designed this game are assholes. They love putting things just out of reach. The village has a blacksmith! Finally, I can repair my gear and be on my way. Wait a second! Are you F*@K!NG kidding me!? It turns out the blacksmith can’t do diddly dick! He is sitting outside of his shop sobbing. He explains that he lost his key and is locked out of his shop. Guess who needs to go find his key? You do! Where is the key? Just take a guess! Take I wild guess! It’s in the stupid forest that I was just in! What the hell! Why do I need to find his stupid key? He lost it! He should go find it. At this point, I flip my controller up into the air and let it smack on my hardwood floor. Yup, this is the Dark Souls I know.
Now I need to go through the forest again looking for a shop key. Oh! and the enemies re-spawn when you leave the area and come back. That’s wonderful! My gear is shot to hell. What am I going to kill these guys with now? Hopes and dreams? I have a stupid dagger that feels like I’m hitting with a nerf product and some type of a… um… chime? So badass right!? Hear comes Assface with a chime and dagger.
Where is this key? In a chest? In a barrel? Up some dead guys ass? Where!? After dying several more times, I find it. Some traveling merchant who is sitting in the beat up castle has it. Ugh! I need to buy it from him for 1000 souls? What an asshole! I buy the key and get back to the village. I hand the key over to the blacksmith so he can open shop & repair my gear and weapon. My sense of joy and accomplishment is quickly shattered when the blacksmith then tells me to come back later because he needs to set up shop! What!? No..no..no..how later is later!? Fix my gear now! Luckily, it wasn’t long. I left the area and came back and he was ready. I then almost expected him to ask me to go get him a cup of coffee.
This is just a small fraction of how stressful this game can be. I have progressed further since I started this article. I’m not even going to get into…creatures that will poison you, real life people who feel like being an asshole & invade your game to kill you, traps, dark areas that are difficult to navigate if you don’t have a torch, characters you need to interact with but won’t interact with you, enemies that might be resistant to the weapon you’ve invested in, enemies that can keep summoning other enemies until you kill them, boss battles where you die in five seconds if your not careful, ambushes where enemies suddenly swarm you, a bonfire in sight (checkpoint where you start from if you die) but reaching it seems unrealistic before you die, killer knights, killer rats, poisonous creatures with giant green ball sacks, exploding zombies, creatures that look like they are from the movie Starship Troopers, dragons, witches, skeletons and much more! There are several other annoying factors also. I don’t want to start a novel though.
You might be asking yourself “why would anyone want to play this game”? Well, it’s a challenge and you feel like you accomplished something as you hopefully keep progressing a little bit further and earning it every step of the way. Unless, you completely lose it first and need to be committed.
Categories: Rants about Stuff!
Tags: Dark Souls 2, funny video game reviews, Hard videogames
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